Single dad

Your changing sex life

After the elation of finding out your wife's pregnant, you’ll likely find yourself pondering whether everything you’ve always heard about sex and babies is true. Will you still be as turned on by your wife during and after pregnancy? Will sex during pregnancy make either of you too worried about hurting the baby to enjoy yourself? Will your wife be as sexually motivated as she was while you were trying to get pregnant? The only thing certain is that your sex life will change. The cold hard facts are that you will likely be having less sex from now on, a condition that extends beyond the birth of your new baby. Most of this is never discussed between dads, unless with a knowing wink or a pained joke.

 

Your desires

In the first trimester, you might feel hornier than ever. You’ll feel closer to your wife than ever before. You may feel a strange pride that people will know that you’re responsible for the baby growing insider her. On the other hand, pregnancy may create some contradictions. You now will be having sex with a mom, which might seem less than sexy to you. More likely, however, is that your wife’s increasingly full and curvy form will seem more erotic to you.

 

Her desires

Your wife’s desires will go up and down and can vary from trimester to trimester. She may be less inhibited without birth control, more intimate with you due to your new responsibility, and more sexy because of her filled out shape. For your sake, we’ll hope for this scenario. On the other hand, she may spend a lot of the first trimester vomiting. She may feel more maternal and less sexual, or she may just feel fat and unattractive.

 

Baby safety

Everyone worries at least a little bit about sex hurting the baby. It’s hard not imagine pushing deep into the baby’s temporary home with every thrust. Your baby is safe, however, within a cushioned amniotic fluid-filled sac. There is very little risk to your baby unless you're having very rough sex.

 

What you can do

As with most issues within a relationship, the best thing you can do is talk about your needs and desires. You may have to take the lead to try new positions and other options since traditional positions may become too painful or uncomfortable in the last months. Whatever makes your mate the most comfortable is your best chance at having a sex life through the third trimester.

As a father of two teenage daughters (15 and 17) I have continually heard the comment that goes something along the lines of "Whoa, that's a tough age. I guess you'll get to talk to them again in six years!"

I have also run into numerous dads (moms too) that say, "Yeah, my kids don't even want to be around me these days. They are so into their friends."

The first comment is a myth. The second is a cop out.

Granted, teenagers want their independence, but they still want their parents in their lives. More on this later.

What I believe happens is that parents get intimidated and busy and stop taking the time to ask children simple, conversational questions about their lives.

Nothing can be more intimidating than walking into a room of seven teenagers talking about music or anything, and feeling completely outnumbered, out-cultured, and out of sorts. It is easier to walk away than say, "What's going on?" It is easier to walk away than ask that new pimply-faced boy you haven't seen before, "Where do you go to school? "How are the grades going? Where did you go to middle school?" This starts the dialogue. Walk into the teenage fray we must. Take a deep breath, walk in, and ask away!

Let's face it: we parents are human beings too. And half the time these kid's parents have stopped talking to them and their teachers are basically time police. You may be the first adult who has asked them a considered question in the last month. People, even teenagers, love to talk about themselves. So if you give them half a chance they will. You can become an oasis of freedom to talk about themselves. This goes for your own children as well. It doesn't have to be an interrogation. Just a question about school, about a friend, about music. You don't have to be cool or "in the know." "Who is that group? Are they popular?" You don't have to know that Eminem is back with Kim. The key, I believe, is to not give up on the initial push back - or non-push back in the case of teenagers. They won't be forthcoming. They won't answer. They may shrug and say "Oh, nothing." But believe me they want to talk. They are dying to talk. Even if they don't.

Some how to's:

  

1. Be the house they can come to. Let kids gather at your house. Anytime.
   2. Food. Have lots of food. Kids (especially boys) love food. Don't take, "I'm not hungry," for an answer. Teenagers are always hungry. Food is the lubricant for talk.
   3. Don't be judgmental. I am not saying to let them have drugs in your house. But don't let the disapproval of a little tattoo or funky hair on your kids friends show on your face.
   4. In and out. Don't hover. Come in, ask a few questions. Then get out. Let them breath.
   5. Rules are OK. I like to keep them reciprocal. I respect you. You respect me is my favorite. I don't talk to you that way, you don't talk to me that way.

One last word on kids wanting you in their lives: Have you ever met a thirty year old that said, "I sure wish my parents hadn't been in my life when I was a teenager." I haven't. Mostly we hear the opposite. Kids might be confused, they might even be angry. They may even be embarrassed by you - but then again everyone's parents are an embarrassment. But, you are like the old best friend that you haven't seen in ten years. Even though they would never tell you, your kids want to see you and most importantly, talk to you.

"Teens Don't Like Adults" is a Myth. Don't buy into it.

It seems obvious that everyone sets that standard themselves. Being a great dad isn't achieving one set of measures, or even ensuring that your child confirms you're a great dad whenever prompted.

Being a great dad is an every day climb up the mountain, or a thousand-task test of parenting skills: patience, generosity, creativity, intelligence, wisdom. What works one day is a failure the next. Not all of us can stay at home with our kids, attend every concert and performance, or even make macaroni and cheese. Unlike moms, who seem to have more prescribed roles by society in this area, we blunder about trying to maintain our manhood, while aiming to be good and present parents. But, what does that entail? It's not just making breakfast, but knowing how to make oatmeal like mommy makes it. It's not picking them up at school, but being there five minutes early because you know a five-year old doesn't want to be the last one picked up. It's not just setting out the clothes to wear, but allowing your daughter to wear all pink. It's not just buying the toy, but playing it over and over for hours because you can't let the kid "just win."

Today I failed at being a great dad to my daughter. It was the big Chinese New Year's trip to Chinatown and she had her Chinese dress all set up to wear, but all her tights were in the laundry. I quickly volunteered to wash them and throw them in the dryer. Twenty minutes later with my carpool partner knocking at the door, the tights were still soaking wet and unwearable. Daughter, in tears, left the house, tights-less. The story has a happy ending only because I had the free time to continue drying the tights and race over to the school to beat the field trip departure and hand over the now-dry tights. Crisis averted, daddy restored to hero status. But how fragile that perch!

I'll try in this blog to provide a forum for dads of different types and styles to relate their challenges and solutions. I'll also give some advice on things to do, places to visit, and some things to have in your pocket, both literally and figuratively, as you try to be a great dad, whatever that means to you.